Building Confidence in Children: Lessons from Richard Lavoie’s Token Theory
Raising confident, resilient children is one of the greatest challenges and rewards of parenting. Confidence isn’t innate—it’s built through experiences, shaped by how we respond to life’s triumphs and setbacks. Richard Lavoie’s Token Theory provides a practical, insightful framework for nurturing self-esteem. It’s a tool that can help parents and educators guide children toward a stronger sense of self-worth, teaching them to embrace growth and handle life’s challenges with resilience.
The Token Theory Explained
Lavoie compares a child’s self-esteem to a token bank. Positive experiences—such as acts of kindness, moments of success, or thoughtful encouragement—deposit tokens into their “bank.” Conversely, negative experiences—like criticism, failure, or rejection—withdraw tokens.
When the bank is full, children feel confident and secure. They can face challenges with a sense of capability and bounce back from setbacks. But when the bank is depleted, even minor struggles can feel overwhelming, leaving them hesitant, anxious, or paralyzed by self-doubt.
The goal is not to shield children from withdrawals—that’s neither realistic nor healthy. Life will always include difficulties, and children need to learn how to navigate them. Instead, our role is to ensure their bank is consistently replenished so that temporary setbacks don’t leave them emotionally bankrupt.
How We Unintentionally Deplete the Bank
Even with the best intentions, adults often make withdrawals from a child’s self-esteem bank without realizing it. The language we use, the expectations we set, and the feedback we give can deeply influence a child’s perception of themselves.
For instance:
- Comparing them to others: “Why can’t you be more like your friend?”
- Focusing only on mistakes: “You missed that shot because you weren’t paying attention.”
- Offering feedback that feels like judgment: “If you don’t get this right, you’ll never succeed.”
These comments may seem minor or even constructive at the moment, but over time, they erode a child’s sense of worth and confidence. They internalize these critiques, which can create hesitancy and fear of failure.
How to Add Tokens
Building a child’s confidence requires thoughtful, consistent actions that add tokens to their bank. Here are key ways to do this:
1. Acknowledge Effort, Not Just Results
Children need to know that their value isn’t tied solely to outcomes. Recognizing effort teaches them that progress and persistence matter more than perfection.
- Instead of saying, “Great job on getting an A,” try, “I’m proud of how hard you studied for that test.”
- When they struggle, reinforce their perseverance: “You didn’t give up, and that’s what counts.”
Focusing on effort shifts their mindset toward growth, helping them see value in trying even when the results aren’t immediate.
2. Catch Them Doing Something Right
We often focus on what needs fixing instead of what’s already working. Make it a habit to notice and affirm positive behaviors:
- “I saw how patient you were with your sibling today. That was really kind.”
- “Thank you for helping with the dishes—you made a big difference.”
These small acknowledgments build a foundation of self-worth, showing children that their contributions matter.
3. Create Opportunities for Success
Sometimes, children need help finding areas where they can shine. Introduce them to activities they enjoy or assign manageable tasks where they can achieve tangible results. Success in one area often boosts confidence across others.
Whether it’s excelling in a sport, mastering a new skill, or completing a project, these moments reinforce their belief in their abilities.
4. Be Mindful of Your Words
Children absorb the words we use. Feedback that is overly critical or dismissive can linger far longer than we might expect.
- Instead of saying, “You never get this right,” say, “Let’s figure out what isn’t working and try again.”
- Avoid labels like “lazy” or “difficult,” which can become self-fulfilling.
Thoughtful language empowers children, helping them see mistakes as opportunities rather than failures.
Encouragement in Moments of Failure
Some of the most impactful encouragement comes when children stumble. Personally, I value effort over results and reward perseverance. When I see my kids trying their best—especially in the face of adversity—I make sure to acknowledge their determination.
It’s not about whether they win or lose but about their refusal to give up. This teaches them that setbacks are part of the journey, not the end of it. When they’re still young, the stakes are low—losing a game or struggling with homework won’t shape their future. But the habits they develop now will define how they approach bigger challenges later in life.
Encouragement during these moments sends a powerful message: failure is okay as long as you keep moving forward. It fosters resilience, showing children that growth comes from persistence, not perfection.
The Role of Challenges in Confidence Building
Confidence doesn’t grow in the absence of difficulty—it’s forged through overcoming challenges. Children need to experience both success and failure to develop resilience. The key is creating a supportive environment where they feel safe enough to take risks and make mistakes.
When they struggle, help them reframe the experience:
- “What did you learn from this?”
- “What can you try differently next time?”
These moments teach children that failure isn’t final; it’s a step toward growth. They develop the mental toughness to keep trying, even when the odds are against them.
The Bigger Picture: Building Resilience
Confidence isn’t just about feeling good—it’s about building resilience. It’s the ability to bounce back from setbacks, face challenges with courage, and approach life with curiosity instead of fear. These traits don’t appear overnight; they’re the result of small, consistent efforts that show children they are capable and supported.
Lavoie’s Token Theory reminds us to view our daily interactions with children as opportunities to build them up. Every word, action, and moment of attention matters.
A Call to Action for Parents and Mentors
If there’s one thing Lavoie’s work teaches us, it’s that confidence is built, not given. As adults, we have the power to shape how children see themselves and their place in the world.
Ask yourself:
- Am I adding tokens to my child’s self-esteem bank every day?
- Do my words encourage effort and growth?
- Am I creating opportunities for them to succeed?
These questions can guide us toward being more intentional in how we support the children in our lives.
Confidence is one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids. It’s not about shielding them from the world but equipping them to face it with courage, resilience, and self-belief. Let’s commit
to filling their token banks, one meaningful moment at a time.
Don’t forget, we, as educators and parents fail with good intentions too. Let them fail.
“Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.” – Henry Ford
Do something amazing,
Tsahi Shemesh
Founder & CEO
Krav Maga Experts
I love this article and its beautiful reminders. It is helpful to read even as someone who does not have children. Krav has been a great way to build confidence and work on having a growth mindset.